Sex… without the city.

Despite possible proof to the contrary, I’m a firm believer that women think about sex just as much as men do. We also talk about it. A lot. Well my mates and I do anyway. Sadly, being the bitchier of the species means we tend to discuss bad sexual experiences over great ones. Great ones are spoken about… but not nearly in as much detail.

Over the past few years I’ve been privy to some very funny stories about my mates’ bedroom antics and them to mine. However, because I have no clue who, if any, reads this blog I’m not going to go into specifics. To save my friends, their exes, my exes and any poor soul now dating said exes from possible embarrassment, I’m simply going to list the things men do in bed that make a girl moan (and not the good sounding one).

The lazy slob.

The dead fish, the potato sack etc. Lying there the whole time while your lady bounces around on top doing all the work until you’re done? Not cool. Always remember: you are replaceable – it is called a vibrator. Once she makes that purchase your work there (or lack of) will be done.

Size does matter.

Big is best BUT the old adage “a workman is only as good as his tools” is not always true when it comes to this one. If you know how to use what gifts you’ve been given, however small, most girls won’t be too disappointed if you don’t resemble a porn star when the boxers come off. If you don’t know how to use it though, we’ll be secretly wishing for more.

The talker

“Was that good for you too?” Like we’re answering this one truthfully. “So how many times did you orgasm” Why? I know one little anecdote about a guy who constantly kept telling the girl during the deed how he hadn’t done it in such a long time, he said this about four times, no wonder.

The premature ejaculator

We normally take it as a compliment… but not so much if you haven’t even got out of your pants yet.

The energiser bunny

One speed: Go. Like a jack hammer on acid. ALL. THE. TIME.

Because my last post about the antics of men was labelled as “boy bashing” by a fellow female (check out: So, do you come here often? )I have decided to get a guy to weigh in here. My mate Travis shared with me some of his less than positive sexual experiences. Ladies, take note.

• Once during sex the girl decided to venture that finger around the back… I had to stop mid stroke and say DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
• I was with a girl once and we were pretty hammered, we had to stop because she had to go vomit. Mood killer right there.
• My mate in London had sex with this girl and she wanted it in the bum…. Attempting to give him a BJ afterward was not as hot as the pornos make it out to be.
• I was with a girl who actually made me check every couple of seconds to make sure the condom wasn’t broken, that was a bit irritating.
• And lastly, the potato sack, it’s a real thing; the girl just lies dead still, making no sounds or anything. I really don’t want to feel like I’m pumping a dead chick, it’s disgusting.

And yes Trav, I edited these greatly and removed a few as well, because I don’t want to be banned from blogging by the internet police. My mom has also been known to frequent these pages. Dude, where do you find these girls?